Equilibrium

Why do I always write when something out of the ordinary happens?

What about dull days filled with mundane tasks. How can I contextualize them?

This week consisted mainly of repetitious and boring chores, Which was frustrating because doing random things disturbs my concentration.

I registered for speaking class for English language, which admitedly was fun. A professor accepted me for PhD for the first time. Felt encouraging. Submitted my revised article.

Overall, it was a productive week. I just feel the whole time I was desensitized to any external disturbance. It feels like loosing one of my senses.

Sh*t Storm

Last week was terrible. Awful things were happening one after another and I couldn't cope with all of it. First I got sick and it disrupted my whole routine. Then there were terrible news about people's misery and my own misery. Why the f is there so much injustice and cruelty in the world? Why can't we share everything equally? What should I do? Also there were hopeless news that directly impede my own future plans.

 This morning I felt slightly better. I got well and there were a couple of good news. I even started exercising which means that things are back to normal.

But I was very aware of the fact that the shit storm never stops. Either it is how it is or my life is seriously flawed. I guess I should try to control the effects of positive and negative events more carefully. And I need to laugh a lot and love a lot. And meditate every now and then. Because things don't necessarily always get better

If I die before I wake

I want to be myself. I should find a way. How can we find the line between acting selfish and being ourselves? Westworld series wasn't as good as I'd hoped it'd be but it has beautful inspiring conversations in it. There's this guy who always indulge others and resists himself. I'm afraid I'm like that. I need to center my life around myself. I don't know how to be myself.

This blogging isn't working for me tonight.

F*cked by Determinism

I'm feeling all sorts of negative emotions. fear, hopelessness, anxiety, apathy.

Need a miracle.

I will forget the sound. Like how I had forgotton the persimmons. But I keep taking photos. Then, one lonely night, I'll watch the photos and smile like an idiot. It matters even though the sound is gone and the persimmons are gone and by the time I write about it, the smile'll have gone.

 

dis discontentment

I want to keep a record of my thoughts. I probably shouldn't. I just read something that I'd written a long time ago and I felt disappointed in myself since I felt that I used to be much more eloquent and contemplative. Have I  actually become dumber? How might I have let that happen?

Or maybe I'm the same fool who is still relentlessly contending. I think it's important to persevere, to cope or to struggle. This continual contending is exhausting. It's poisonous. So from me to past me: Good job, buddy.