master procrastinator

so finally I have a lot of time to sit and write something. normally I write at 2 in the morning  stressing over how to wake up on time the following day. no it's 22:45 and I think I can spare an hour to write in peace. let's see what I can come up with

today I had an entire day to finish as many tasks as I could. stuff that I have been putting off week after week. Admittedly, I excel at procrastinating. I am a pro procrastinator. but in my .defense little tasks are really annoying. They look deceptively marginal but in reality they always take much longer and before you know it, your day is over while you only took a shower, went grocery shopping and learned a new recipe. which I did by the way. I learned how to make pasta today. You know the dish that people learn when at 18 but I did it at 28. that's procrasinating not what these overacomplished people throw in conversation when they talk about not mastering that fourth language.

Sometimes I try to remeber things that I've been up to during the week, but I can vaguely recall a few highlights. forget about last week like I need to really think for a while to remeber what I had for dinner last night. it was fries and an egg and underwhelming. but what did i do  yesterday evening? I recall me washing the dishes, exercising for a bit making dinner and that maybe it. ughhh my life mainly comprises of finishing endless/perpetual mundane chores

ok now I accidentally stumbled upon smells like teen spirit song and can't stop thinking about how I haven't looked up the meaning of the song all these years. so I am utterly  distracted and there is no way I can continue writing

peace

it is what it is

I was thinking that as long as I can remember I have always written about heavy and depressing stuff. I want to write more about happy and light hearted things. 

today I was made aware of the fact that the quarantine time is extended for two more weeks here. What the hell. at least they could open a few restaurants or clothing stores. I have nothing to wear these days. it is very hot and I have only brought warm clothes with me. I have two wrinkled T shirts that look like they were washed up on the shore. and don't get me started on take aways and restaurants. I just miss them dearly. Corona also took my restaurant buddy from me. I mean she is fine but her program eneded ahead of time due to corona and she went back home

This is madness and I need a bagel burger

JUST AN ILLUSION

I watched a video about free will and whether we make decision on our own or things are dictated to us by different causes such as our upbringing or our experiences or environment. that is a fascinating topic with a profound impact which can alter our day-to-day life as well as our long-term plans and strategies. it is indisputable that determinism is a plausible. we are immensely affected by our environment. but to which extent ?  Are our experiences govening our decision making? So if someone commits a crime, is it logical to hold them accountable? I know so many pathological liars and I have been religiously resenting them. But I could always see behind the smoke screen that what series of events have shaped this personality trait in them. their actions .were produts of unfortunate events 

I think in so many cases, this can bring more clarity on why people behave a certain way. I am tired but very intrigued by this concept

have shit to say, too lazy to type

it's almost half past three in the morning and I am still awake. This has been my sleep pattern since a few weeks ago. 

slow regression

its one of those nights that my thoughts are so condensed I guess. its hard to sort out my thoughts and feelings tonight. its frustrating i feel that I cant handle all aspects of my life all together . there is always something that is ignored and handled incorrectly. I make one problem my main focus and consequently every other thing is my life starts regressing/deteriorating. 

today was nice. finished my work early. went for a bike ride. a few bugs flew in my eyes. was terrified of touching my eyes owing to Cororna. was in pain and had to return home very quickly. I've been indoors too much I think my body can't handle the harshness of outside world anymore. 

I digress.

I'm gonna go to bed . Have a busy day ahead of me. 

 

I am vehemently opposed to not having a title

  .days are coming and going in the blink of an eye . I feels stuck in a slow-moving pandemic in a fast paced life. after all these weeks of remote working, self isolation and social distancing, all of the above are sadly starting to feel normal. 

Things are pretty good on the other hand. I feel like I'm not stressed out all the time any more. bc a lot of my anxiety stems from social anxiety and now I barely have any stressfull social interaction. Coonsequently, my memory has improved which is crazy to me. I remember things that I would never be able to recall prior to this crisis. also I understand more convoluted concepts and it makes me think what this sustaned and relentless stress is doing to my body and mind.

any ways. Im tired btw.

puny humans

there are moments during the day that I pause for a second and it hits me what the hell is going on right now. like how rapidly thigs have changed. suddenly after having seperate lives and experiences we are all sharing the same reality. I am used to experiencing hurdles and disappointments in my country and feeling completely seperated fron the rest of the world. now we had to all stop without a prior warning and adopt a new life style which is very similiar to each other. how fragile everything was and we didn't have a clue 

This is a massive realization for modern humans. despite all the progress and advances, we are still very weak. how conceited we were. this is a much needed wake up call

I'm terrible at writing these days :d  

ok

i should have slept by now. what is wrong with me. 

I need to write something. not sure what it is. 

I was reading random blogs of Iranians living in Iran. I have a new-found desire to see how random people are feeling and living in Iran. I still can relate to everything very easily. I can go through the same feelings with them vividly. its like mapping the country in my heart

super fu*king cheesy. feel free to barf

I have a lot to say about this topic but I really need to go to sleep

tired but slightly less disoriented

i am having more fun writing these days. as our options are limited these days due to lockdowns, i guess people will take up tons of new hobbies. who tought i would find writing enjoyable after years and years of resisting it

today largely consisted of running errands and doing mundane tasks.before i knew it the day was . over. it seems like a recurring theme these days. How can i slow down time?

i hope tomorrow is sunny and i can carve out the time to go out. that would be grand 

drop the facade and tell me you are miserable too

I feel weird. I've been in qurantine for way too long. I never thought I would get so sick of being alone. It is baffling to me how things have changed in such a short amount of time. I think I actually feel sick. like physically unwell. I don't even know how to describe it. like i have this compelling desire to jump out of my skin. the problem is that people are trying to stay positive and get through this with a positive attitude. f that. I am drained and in desperate need of having a fun social adventure and I can read it in everyone else's face as well . This is not what I signed up for when I decided to study in Europe.

the stress of work and leaving on my own and not having an outlet for all these built up tension is putting me in a mood. like being drunk but not in a fun way. like I want to go out in my underwear and pinch strangers. 

The upside is that I feel compelled to do productive things on my own. like cooking, dancing writing. Before these, I would regard these activities as utter waste of time.But now I have all the time in the world. God I'm loosing my mind.

New year... exhausted me

It's 2.30 in the morning. I am finished. When I am drained I just feel so gloomy and sad. Today was the first day of the new year. I was super busy so didn't have time to celebrate or take it all in. Hopefully I'll have more time tomorrowto reflect and look back. It's been a rollercoaster .

I'll think more about it tomorrow.